Hello children. My name's Tony. Today, we're going to make some laws out of all sorts of everyday rubbish you can find lying around your very own cabinet office.
Remember the last time you went to the beach with Mummy and Daddy, and you had to sit next to that man on the train. You know, the drunk one that Mummy and Daddy were looking at enviously. Well, today we're going to get rid of him.
You will need:
A binge drinking culture
Some discarded ASBO laws
A private jet and chauffeur driven car - to keep you totally ignorant of the real problems
Some sticky hypocrisy - double sided is best.
oh, yes, and the usual media hype.
Now then, I know what you're thinking. "Tony, last week we made pretty little smoke-free continental-style cafes from discarded bits of Mrs Kelly's discarded paper. And they could serve alcohol whenever they liked." But this is politics children, and even better, it's reactionary politics. That's really easy. When you're older you'll understand that the people want quick fixes, not long-term actual solutions.
What you do is this. You get all your friends together, sit round a big table, and throw all the bits into the middle. After staring at them for a while, you can start to build whatever you want. The sillier it looks, the better.
And what have we got. A useful little law that is totally unenforceable, does nothing to address the problem, and leaves people stone cold sober, while sitting there getting abuse from the drunken louts who just boarded the train.
Look at it, isn't it beautiful. All that's left now is to leak it to the Sundays, guage the public's reaction, and then probably put it in the box so we can cannibalise it at a later date.